Bowser Sucks! | By Goomba

In my twenty-plus years in the monster business, I’ve never encountered a worse manager than Bowser.  He takes his job way too seriously.  As if ruling the Mushroom Kingdom is supposed to be some sort of big accomplishment -it’s nothing but happy little clouds and permanently stoned toadstools.  A toddler could run it!

Sorry to burst your bubble, Bowser, but most of us Goombas don’t really give two shits about Mario or the stupid Princess.  I’m just here for a paycheck.  Matter of fact, if we weren’t in a recession right now, I’d be looking for a better job!

Here are a few things I hate about working for that piece of shit Bowser:

1)    Nepotism

Bowser puts all of our lives at risk by hiring unqualified family members to do important jobs!  What manager in their right mind would put Lemmy Koopa in charge of Ice Land?  The guy is practically retarded!  He’s a grown man with a rainbow-colored Mohawk that plays with a ball, for Christ’s sakes!  There are plenty of unemployed ice villains out there, if he was willing to look outside of his own inbred family.

Then there’s the idiotic Ludwig Von Koopa.  Just because you’re named after a composer and have hair like Albert Einstein doesn’t make you qualified to govern Pipe Land!  By the way, he smokes way too much weed out of those pipes that he’s supposed to be ruling.  The guy wonders why everyone calls him Kooky behind his back -and he’s supposed to be the smart one!

Don’t even get me started on that narcissistic Wendy Koopa.  Everyone knows that the only reason she got to be in charge of Water Land is because she is the office whore.  The Koopa Kids call her “Kootie Pie”… they should call her “Hoochie Pie!”

2)     Racism

Let’s be honest here -Bowser is racist.  How else can you explain that he’s never promoted a Goomba to be a Boss?  We’re not stupid.  Don’t tell me a Goomba can’t do everything a Turtle can do.

3) Lack of training

Goombas have the highest turnover rate out in the Mushroom Kingdom.  He doesn’t value us as employees.  Bowser sends us out into the kingdom with NO training, then get surprised when Mario trounces all over us!

These poor newbie Goombas aren’t walking back and forth because they’re stupid, they’re walking in circles so they LOOK busy while they are waiting for instructions.  If Bowser invested the time to train them properly, we wouldn’t have this Mario problem.

3)  Bowser doesn’t listen

Last week Bowser called another one of his “mandatory meetings”, and he wanted ideas about how to “stop Mario”.  I offered several ideas:

• Removing one-ups from the dungeons
• Putting Bob-Ombs in the pipes
• Have all seven Koopa kids gang up on Mario at once
• How about building a giant wall that he can’t jump over?
• Why not lock the door to the castle?  Ever think of that, braniac?

Do you think the he listened?  NoooOOOoOOoOOOOo!  If he spent more time listening to our suggestions and less time staring at Wendy Koopa’s fat ass, maybe we wouldn’t have this Mario problem!

6)  Bowser chooses the wrong battles

Out of all the princesses in all the lands, why the fuck did he choose Princess Toadstool?  The chick is fucking stupid!  I’ve never seen her say anything besides “Heellllpppp!!!!  Marrriooooo!  Eeeeeekk!”.

If he had any brains at all, he’d set his goals a little higher, huh?  Like, I don’t know, how about Princess Zelda?  She has a brain, and her kingdom is way nicer than this land of hacky-sack playing shroom-heads.

Maybe I’ll start looking for a better job.  I’ve got a friend that works for Gannon, maybe he can hook me up.

-Goomba

The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely those of the writer.