How My First Kiss Almost Ruined A Marriage

In the Spring of 1997, I spent my Friday and Saturday nights playing a text-based online video game known as GemStone III.  The best way to describe GemStone would be as an Internet chat room and Dungeons and Dragons combined.  You’d read what is going on in the room and type commands like attack goblin, search corpse, or climb ladder.

I was just fourteen years old, and had no idea that my actions in this game had the power to end a marriage in the real world.

My character’s name was Thryker, a level two Empath (which is basically a healer).  When you’re a level two Empath, you’re stuck fighting boring shit like giant rats and sea nymphs.  One day I got bored with the sea nymphs and decided that I was going to try to fight snow leopards.  Snow leopards are a fierce enemy, and it’s unwise to try to fight them on my own.  In fact, it’s downright stupid -but snow leopard pelts were worth 30 silver pieces at the local furrier, and they’re worth a TON of experience points.  I was saving up for some studded leather armor, and was dying to test out the new scimitar I purchased.

Thryker initially fared well against the snow leopards, but it wasn’t long before he was swarmed (which is unusual, because snow leopards are not pack animals).  I could not type attack leopard fast enough!  One of them bit into my arm, causing major bleeding.  My heart was pounding…

I thought to myself, “I’m going to die out here.  These things are going to eat me.”  It takes ten seconds to stop a wound from bleeding, and another ten seconds to cast light healing.  I knew I didn’t have that much time.  To make matters worse, I was running out of the precious manna I needed to use my magic.

Then a miracle happened.  A warrior named Artemis arrived and struck down both leopards, saving me from a certain death.  Thank the Heavens!  I typed look at Artemis to discover a beautiful woman with fair skin and athletic body, wearing all white armor and accessories.  Even though there were no graphics in this text-based world, I was impressed that she paid very close attention to color coordination.  You’d think that a fantasy world with no graphics would be the one place where no one would worry about matching their accessories.  I appreciated the attention to detail.

“Artemis…” I said coolly, as I tended my wounds.  “Aren’t you the goddess of the hunt from Greek mythology?”  I was sure that my knowledge of Greek mythology would impress her, although it never impressed girls in the real world.

“What is this Greek mythology of which ye speak?  I know only of the Gods of Elanthia!”, she said coyly with a wink.  Then she bent down to whisper into my ear.  “Yes.  But remember, this is a role-playing game, so please whisper when saying anything out of character.”

Referencing the real world is strictly taboo in GemStone, and I was embarrassed by my gaffe.  She laughed and pretended it didn’t happen.  I promised myself that I’d remember to replace any instances of the word “You”, with an Olde English equivalent like “Ye” or “Thou”, because this would somehow help maintain the integrity of the game.  She passed me some Calamia Fruit, which is known for it’s magical ability to restore a mangled limb to it’s proper shape form.  Within seconds, my arm was healed.  “Thank Ye”, I said.

I whispered “What level are ye?”.  She helped me with my wounds and whispered back “I’m level four”.  Clearly, she was more experienced than me.  She knew what she was doing.  She was someone that I could learn a lot from.

She was impressed by my bravery –not many level two Empaths try to fight snow leopards alone.  We spent the rest of the night fighting as a team, and then headed back to Helga’s Tavern, a seedy little bar on the west side of town.

I tried every method that I could think of to try to get her to like me.  I made damn sure to remember to type smile anytime she said anything, and made sure I typed look into artemis eyes so she knew I was paying attention.  I showered her with compliments -”Ye are the most beautiful half-elf in all of Elanthia!” Although I had not yet been on a real date with a real girl, I tried my best to act cool and confident -yet on the inside, I was more nervous than ever before.

We had a great time –we sang, danced, and drank meade.  After some serious flirting, something magic happened –she leaned in and kissed Thryker on the lips!

I’m sad to say that it was the closest thing to a real kiss I’d experienced at the age of fourteen.  I gained a lot of experience points that night -not only in GemStone, but in life as well.  Before we knew it, it was three in the morning.  Then she whispered her AOL screen name into my ear, and told me to IM her so we can meet up.

I laid awake in bed that night, wondering if she was thinking about me.  I’m sure she had no idea that I was just a fourteen-year-old kid.  I wondered what she was like -I hoped she was every bit as smart and sexy in real life as she was in the game.

We became regular hunting partners.  Since we were both half-elves, I flirted with her constantly in hopes of a long-term romantic online role-playing-game relationship.  After all, Thryker was about 32, and thinking about settling down.

One day I sent her an instant message, “Hi sweetie!  Where are you?  Let’s meet up tonight!”.  After about a few minutes of awkward silence I finally got an angry reply –“This is Angela’s husband.  Who the FUCK are you?”.

I tried to explain that we weren’t having romantic rendezvous, and that I was just a fourteen-year-old kid in Pennslvania that had never even kissed a girl before, let alone fool around with his wife, but he did not believe me.

The fact that I was logged in under my father’s screen name, SteveD1957 did not lend any credibility to my story.  Neither did the fact that I type 120 words per minute.  He couldn’t believe that a kid could type so fast.  But in GemStone, you need to type fast –if you want to live.

I experienced the same sense of panic that I had when I was swarmed by the snow leopards –only this time, there was no she-warrior to come to my rescue.  The outcome of this would be far worse than losing a limb in a stupid video game.  I would be losing a very special friend.

I typed with the same frantic velocity that I would when swarmed rabid squirrels, pleading with him to believe me –that this was just a game, that I had no ill will, and I didn’t know that she was married.  Each sentence just put me further and further in the hole.

Even if he did buy my story, I don’t think it would make him feel any better that his wife was flirting with underage boys in an online fantasy world.  It was probably easier for him to believe that she was having an affair.

A few days later I got an email from her –she and her husband got into a huge fight about it, and they almost got separated.  She said it wasn’t my fault –they were having problems anyway.  But she also told me that she had to promise him that she would never play GemStone again.

I was crushed.  I wrote back, “I’ll miss Ye…”

PS:  Over ten years later, GemStone is still around -you can play it here.